The Art of Presiding

I'm currently pondering on the state of the family, both in general and mine in particular. In attempting to lead a Christ-like life, I desire above all things to have a happy family. In attempting to do so, however, I have come upon some absolutely delicious ironies.

Mmmm...irony. It's what's for dinner.

Anyway, all of these ironies are centered around the duty (not privilege, not desire, not option) of a husband and a father to be a patriarch in his home.

What exactly does that entail? There, to coin a phrase, is the rub. From what I have studied and been taught, it has to do with presiding in righteousness over the home. There are many aspects to that, but I have always taken it to basically mean that the husband and wife, as companions, first work together to decide the best course of action for the family. Then the plan (in whatever scenario you please) is enacted and enforced by the father. Not because he's smarter, more righteous, or just because he feels like it, but because he must do it by divine decree.

Now, I know what many people might think about that. But I will point out that the wife's willing participation is crucial, because otherwise the man would not be presiding righteously but rather be a dictator, exercising unrighteous dominion, which is justly condemned by scripture. I have no desire to be a dictator and my wife certainly has no desire to be dictated to, as is only appropriate. My wife also believes in the patriarchal order, at least in theory. We are pretty equally yoked, so you'd think that we would scrape along fairly well, and usually we do.

But here comes the irony (yum!) My wife is a natural leader. She always tries to lead. And I am, by nature, perfectly content to let that happen. BUT I CAN'T! And there is where the conflict, perhaps inevitable, perhaps not, enters the situation. I don't particularly care who decides most things, so long as we discuss it first. I'm perfectly willing to let her do what she feels is best in 99% of the situations we face. She always feels so passionate about things and I just don't think it's worth arguing over most of the time. But that leaves two crucial caveats, which, if you are attentive, you have already noticed.

First, the qualifying phrase "so long as we discuss it first", which doesn't happen as often as you'd think. And secondly, that remaining 1% of the time. You would be amazed at how fraught the situation becomes when either of those two situations occurs.

My wife has a habit of just deciding things sometimes that involve the entire family without even discussing it with me first (or even mentioning it). This doesn't usually bother me. She's the oldest of seven children and has more initiative than you can shake a stick at. Also, she's at home with 4 kids most of all day, so she certainly has to make decisions and enforce them. I have no issue with this. I don't even normally mind if her decisions involve me having to perform some duty. I may gripe and complain, mind you, of which I am not proud, but on the whole I can see that she's probably right and whatever she wants to do probably should be done and I acquiesce. But then there are the other times...

I am particularly ornery when I have given my word that something will happen and my wife attempts to override it. Usually this involves a promise previously given to the children. I will be, perhaps not the first, but the second to admit that not all my promises are wisely made. However, my word, once given, is very important to me and I believe it is absolutely essential that my children have confidence in what their parents tell them. Call it a legacy of my youth. When their mother trumps me, however, it sends a horrible message to the children and, in an evil two for one deal, makes it impossible for me to righteously preside over our home.

On the flip side of that coin, I also need to refrain from upstaging my wife in a like manner, as it damages her ability to parent our children. So it works both ways. I am, however, under strict commandment from the Lord to preside in the home. So I become very frustrated when I feel that my ability to do so has been undermined. Not only do I look like a fool in front of my children (and what father wouldn't enjoy that?), but more importantly, I cannot discharge my responsibility to my family and the Lord in the way I am supposed to. And if I object or try to take control? I am immediately and loudly accused of unrighteous dominion. Often right in front of the children, who are becoming increasingly upset when my wife and I argue.

What truly hurts me is that my wife, my best friend, my eternal companion, who I love and respect above all others on the Earth, persists in believing that I actually just care about being in charge and doing "what I want." This is among the most staggeringly unjust and ludicrous assessments of my personality and desires that anyone has EVER made. And it's extremely painful that the person who should know me the best feels that way. When have I ever cared at all about "being in charge"? To the contrary I am much more often accused (and more justly, alas) of not being concerned enough about taking the lead and making decisions. I have to actively fight against that attitude on an almost daily basis.

So I'm between a rock and a hard place. If I try to ensure that decisions of consequence are made as I believe the Lord intends, then I'm painted as Hitlerian in my evil desire to dominate the family. But if I don't attempt to lead, then I'm in violation of my covenants with the Lord and derided for my lack of leadership and example. How to defeat this conundrum? That, my friends, is the art of presiding and it is an art that I have yet to master. But with prayer, study, and love, I hope to one day learn how to properly fulfill all my duties as a husband, father, and servant. May the day come soon.

And in the meantime, I'd like my irony with extra mustard, please...